tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post1916662932342213379..comments2023-09-12T10:19:46.166-04:00Comments on Christina Lee: First Words WorkshopChristina Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-86178922655115849082011-06-23T01:31:36.803-04:002011-06-23T01:31:36.803-04:00What a neat segment for you to do. Loved seeing th...What a neat segment for you to do. Loved seeing the different perspectives!ali crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13023009704454279645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-42290702717897415592011-06-22T08:16:23.499-04:002011-06-22T08:16:23.499-04:00It's tough to judge this piece, because it'...It's tough to judge this piece, because it's really missing a lot that normal openings use to connect a reader to the story and character, to ground them in the scene, but, depending on what happens in the next few pages, it could work fine.<br /><br />As it is it's very vague (this could be any kind of room, and almost any kind of situation), but I get the feeling that's done on purpose, and that there might be something broader going on here than what one might initially think.<br /><br />I will say that certain clues, like FROZEN asleep, <i>sentence</i>, and <i>escape</i> make me, personally, picture some kind of mental hospital or low security prison, and if that's true I think you're missing out on a great opportunity to set the scene here.<br /><br />Even though this is told from a third person's perspective, it would help to draw me in if I knew what Adam's senses were experiencing. Is the room warm? Cold? Do sounds echo, or are they dampened by padded walls?<br /><br />You don't need tons of detailed description, but even a little word here or there can pull the reader into the scene.<br /><br />Oh and I don't mind the repeated Adam. Yes the second instance could be a pronoun, but I get the feeling the name is being repeated on purpose, for subtle, subliminal, thematic reasons.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-35639432882179615172011-06-22T08:14:11.299-04:002011-06-22T08:14:11.299-04:00Great suggestions. I can't decide which re-wri...Great suggestions. I can't decide which re-write I like better; they're both good, but I did like the addition of the light. Like Sarah said it gave a bit of description so that we (the reader) could begin to get a picture of the place Adam is in.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-26548664537422725402011-06-22T08:02:04.162-04:002011-06-22T08:02:04.162-04:00I loved the suggestions. I prefer Stina's rewr...I loved the suggestions. I prefer Stina's rewrite purely because the name Adam isn't used as frequently. I felt like I heard his name far too often and their was no distinct description to let me know who he was. <br /><br />Regardless I think it's headed places!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03667521490706435608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-60128560083715775182011-06-22T08:01:15.208-04:002011-06-22T08:01:15.208-04:00I really like the suggestions. Great job to the wr...I really like the suggestions. Great job to the writer, Christina and Stina. It's interesting to see different opinions. <br />THanks.Christine Danekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00979611961825725350noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-66285016242704660722011-06-22T07:42:35.280-04:002011-06-22T07:42:35.280-04:00This is always so fascinating. It's interestin...This is always so fascinating. It's interesting to see two different perspectives on the rewrite.Liz Mayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13960276167677132860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-84759426919997749262011-06-22T07:36:53.384-04:002011-06-22T07:36:53.384-04:00I like the suggested changes and I think the first...I like the suggested changes and I think the first paragraph is pretty effective (though I also wanted to change "like everyone else" to something like "just like the others"). <br /><br />My number one suggestion would be for the writer to have patience. I got the feeling too much was being said right up front, and I think it might be more effective if you took the time to set the scene, paint the picture--both multisensory and emotional. I'm not suggesting paragraphs of description, but in general, letting things unfold at a natural pace (like--give us some physical sensations that tell us something about Adam, whether he's human, whether he's incapacitated somehow). It's very intriguing--good luck with it!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06636585111057799728noreply@blogger.com