Comments on christina lee: First Words Workshop

Hmm... good thought, Dianne. My eye kept going to ...

2011-12-15T07:44:15.587-05:00

Hmm... good thought, Dianne. My eye kept going to the repetition of "hot" but there is the repetition of "girls also!

My eye was caught by the repetition of "the g...

2011-12-15T06:48:46.446-05:00

My eye was caught by the repetition of "the girls" in Pete's and Neil's consecutive lines of dialogue. I'm not sure I liked the re-write of "the girls" and "those girls" either.

Can Neil say: "Guess who's gonna introduce us to them?" Would it be clear who "them" referred to? Maybe he could even say: "Guess who's gonna give us an introduction?"

Great suggestions. I can't picture this con...

2011-12-15T05:37:57.780-05:00

Great suggestions.

I can't picture this conversation during a football game. It creates action, but I don't know if it works. I like the idea of the guys just caring about the hot girls. Yes, I'd take out yuppies - that's a term from the 1990s. "All the way across the borough..." - I like that! People who live in NYC are so insular. It's true.

Oooh, Lourie, I liked that suggestion. Now that wo...

2011-12-14T22:46:41.214-05:00

Oooh, Lourie, I liked that suggestion. Now that would be cool. :D

HAHAHA! I absolutely love it, Lourie!

2011-12-14T14:25:18.970-05:00

HAHAHA! I absolutely love it, Lourie!

I am such a dork! LOL Okay work with me...it did...

2011-12-14T14:20:12.207-05:00

I am such a dork! LOL Okay work with me...it did say paranormal...but for a split second I thought he paused THE GAME. LOL I am totally picturing them sitting in the stands and the players frozen in mid play. And for them it is perfectly normal. Wouldn't that be cool???

True, Sarah--but those first 100 are important! Ya...

2011-12-14T13:01:28.504-05:00

True, Sarah--but those first 100 are important! Yay, Heidi!

I love the final version--the voice comes though m...

2011-12-14T09:57:39.187-05:00

I love the final version--the voice comes though much, much clearer.

I'm a new follower! Glad to have found you!

I like the final version, it works much better. J...

2011-12-14T08:36:35.471-05:00

I like the final version, it works much better. Just goes to show us how a little bit of polish and revision can really shine up a piece of our work.

I also found myself wishing for more voice here, a...

2011-12-14T07:31:20.005-05:00

I also found myself wishing for more voice here, and also a more intriguing first line. That said, it's truly difficult in 100 words! I think the feedback here is very useful. Best of luck to the writer!