Comments on christina lee: First Words Workshop: Four Seconds

The last line made me laugh, and my take was that ...

2012-01-11T19:45:26.625-05:00

The last line made me laugh, and my take was that their team must really stink for them to be that happy about a basket, even when losing that badly. It was my favorite part, because I'm not a sports fan, so there's no way you're going to get me caught up in the tension of the game. Making me laugh is your best shot. (ha, that's a pun)

I do agree with the other comments. Since we don't know who the narrator is, or what connection he has with the players he mentioned or the girl he wishes would hug him, it's hard to care a lot about him. But he DID make me laugh, so he's got that going for him!

Wow, this is really interesting and I would have t...

2012-01-11T12:07:17.249-05:00

Wow, this is really interesting and I would have to agree with a lot of your comments. Very cool ladies:)

I enjoyed reading Christine's and Stina's ...

2012-01-11T10:06:35.917-05:00

I enjoyed reading Christine's and Stina's comments, but thought Stina's comment about the MC being involved in some way would add more urgency to the re-write. Would love for him to be the one throwing the ball into the basket, but if it couldn't be him, then could he be involved in one of the passes that led to the throw?

Ooo--basketball! I liked the scene, but I think t...

2012-01-11T08:33:04.523-05:00

Ooo--basketball! I liked the scene, but I think the critique was spot on. A little in the head would add to this piece.

Hi D.J.! 100 words might not be enough but certa...

2012-01-10T17:33:26.852-05:00

Hi D.J.!

100 words might not be enough but certainly can be important when an agent/editor is reading your work for the first time.

The purpose of this workshop is just to show the writer where they could spruce up their writing w/o knowing much about the story, yet. It's to ask--did they capture my interest or not? And then it's up to them to go back and think on it more!

Thanks for stopping by!

Interesting blog. Nice comments and critiques on t...

2012-01-10T17:23:33.531-05:00

Interesting blog. Nice comments and critiques on the entry. I feel like 100 words isn't enough to grab the readers attention. Good rewrite but you added 48 more words to the 100 word limit...is that in the rules? Defiantly a challenge to keep within 100 words and hook a readers curiosity.

D.J.

I liked your point about him stealing a glance at ...

2012-01-10T16:14:53.319-05:00

I liked your point about him stealing a glance at the girl making it a little more interesting, and Stina is right that there's not anything especially pushing us to care about the character.

I LOVE basketball so a fun read for me. I agree wi...

2012-01-10T14:49:36.526-05:00

I LOVE basketball so a fun read for me.
I agree with so much of your tweaks.
I still think the sentence, "The basketball pounds, pounds, pounds the floor. Maybe just use the noise words. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. (but no more than three, as it's just one second he's dribbling).The reader will know its the ball.
I at first wondered why no mention of other team trying to get the ball, but when I read the ending, it made sense that they allowed Nate to get to midcourt without trying to steal the ball!
Cute ending. I like your rewording so won/one wasn't in same breath.

I have more gray hair, Stina--LOL!

2012-01-10T11:16:19.834-05:00

I have more gray hair, Stina--LOL!

I enjoyed the page and suggestions. I initially d...

2012-01-10T10:42:33.656-05:00

I enjoyed the page and suggestions. I initially disagreed with Stina's last point in that they could be celebrating because it was a great long shot or because a kid who rarely scores hit the basket--but then I saw her point. It would have been better if I knew why everyone was so happy.

Overall, nice start and rewrite.

The rewrite is definitely most effective. Even re...

2012-01-10T08:29:56.674-05:00

The rewrite is definitely most effective. Even removing words like "I hear" help to keep the reader right in the action. Great job ...

Both critiques are wonderful. I agree with wanting...

2012-01-10T08:03:36.169-05:00

Both critiques are wonderful. I agree with wanting to know 'who or at least where' this girl is. Sounds like the writer could add a little more intrigue and tension exploring that just a bit.

Nice job, everyone!

LOL That picture looks like me this morning. But I...

2012-01-10T07:49:13.234-05:00

LOL That picture looks like me this morning. But I have less gray hair. :D