tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post6819571847084929044..comments2023-09-12T10:19:46.166-04:00Comments on Christina Lee: First Words Workshop: MEOWChristina Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-8068143863865253022011-11-30T18:05:07.264-05:002011-11-30T18:05:07.264-05:00Love it. Great crit. I was very confused about thi...Love it. Great crit. I was very confused about things, but the rewrite made it much clearer.Susan R. Millshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09578747592345750650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-88744077868178338922011-11-28T23:35:47.082-05:002011-11-28T23:35:47.082-05:00Fabulous rewrite! I love it!Fabulous rewrite! I love it!Peggy Eddlemanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10241451940725996650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-11570048622855311892011-11-28T15:39:16.454-05:002011-11-28T15:39:16.454-05:00Such great critiques, and they really do help clar...Such great critiques, and they really do help clarify things in that section.Liz Mayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13960276167677132860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-34823351377229974012011-11-28T12:48:57.895-05:002011-11-28T12:48:57.895-05:00I love first person view points because it is like...I love first person view points because it is like they are talking directly to you. <br /><br />I have always (still do) had problems with verb tenses. My English teachers always caught me on it.<br /><br />I like that Stina shared it with her kids. Perfect.<br /><br />I was a little confused at first by who was there. I thought it was two humans and the cat. Def intriguing though.Louriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05477223472789865063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-48356159673771452012011-11-28T09:38:11.680-05:002011-11-28T09:38:11.680-05:00It's amazing how a critique pointing out a few...It's amazing how a critique pointing out a few inconsistencies really tightens up the passage ... Great job ladies!Joannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03972054718663959694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-76982226840114163152011-11-28T08:59:01.699-05:002011-11-28T08:59:01.699-05:00Dianne--YESSSS!!
That's it (with Grizzy Griz...Dianne--YESSSS!!<br /><br /> That's it (with Grizzy Grizzy Grizzy added in, IMO)! I love it (maybe the author will too). THANKS!Christina Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-45714876876742641592011-11-28T08:42:29.917-05:002011-11-28T08:42:29.917-05:00I wasn't crazy about the opening line, but I r...I wasn't crazy about the opening line, but I really liked the dog barking her name and her not picking up the rest. I kind of wanted the passage to start THERE.<br /><br />Like: No sooner do we materialize at Tessa's apartment than I hear her dog Vixen barking my name over and over again. Whatever else he's barking is lost on me. I don't know much Dog, but with a Mother who's fluent in at least a dozen animal languages, I've picked up a few things.<br /><br />You can introduce Charlemagne's name in the next paragraph. What do you think?Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-1256845104258632682011-11-28T08:24:22.267-05:002011-11-28T08:24:22.267-05:00First I'd like to say that I heard voice in th...First I'd like to say that I heard voice in this piece, which was good. I have to agree about the first line. I honestly had no idea what was going on. I liked both critiques, but Stina's hit home a little more, especially where 'materialize' stands. That definitely makes me curious. I'd just like a bit more explanation after. It doesn't have to be much. Maybe a self-reflective statement about being a witch.S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-82415855524073178372011-11-28T08:15:42.273-05:002011-11-28T08:15:42.273-05:00I was surprised, too, when I found out the girl wa...I was surprised, too, when I found out the girl was a witch. Not that it has to be revealed in the beginning. It adds suspense.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-19261351237805880532011-11-28T08:00:27.629-05:002011-11-28T08:00:27.629-05:00I really enjoyed Stina's rewrite. I'm afra...I really enjoyed Stina's rewrite. I'm afraid, while I was reading, I had no idea what was happening. I didn't know she was a witch until Christina pointed it out. I love the fluent in cat portion, but I'm afraid I was lost on everything else.<br /><br />That being said, your target audience loved it, so I say the choice is yours!<br /><br />Great job again ladies, I love these!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03667521490706435608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-36565628798295375322011-11-28T07:50:46.676-05:002011-11-28T07:50:46.676-05:00This was a tougher one to critique (it's alrea...This was a tougher one to critique (it's already a GREAT start), so feel free to give any two cents, please!Christina Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4145236456769195141.post-25813613531060398242011-11-28T07:45:03.827-05:002011-11-28T07:45:03.827-05:00I actually liked the "fluent in cat" lin...I actually liked the "fluent in cat" line AFTER the cat speaks. It's a nice completion of that little sequence. When it comes before, it's like telegraphing the punch. Apart from that, I think these suggestions are spot on. I was actually concerned that the very first line was a bit of a wasted opportunity. There's a lot going on in this beginning, so many clever things to say about it, but I got distracted immediately picturing a bush growing out of the side of an apartment. And then--it took me awhile to figure out who was talking (still a bit confused--that's why letting us know his/her name in the manner suggested would be great) and to get all the names straight. Despite that, I think this is a great beginning with a ton of potential!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06636585111057799728noreply@blogger.com