Monday, January 24, 2011

Follow This Advice--It Might Save Your Soul

I dislike email chains--well, most of them.

The truth is, I feel no guilt pressing DELETE when told to email 20 people in ten seconds flat, or my wish will fall on deaf ears (or some *%#* variation).


Some email chains offer good information, but not always. If I'm solicited to help the same destitute family 1,000 times, then something must be up. In all honesty, we probably receive too much information in this day and age. Some of it's faulty, or causes unnecessary worry.

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You've probably seen some of these, below, but I always get a kick out of reading them again!

MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

AND I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

AND FINALLY, I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.




HAVE A GREAT DAY!

24 comments:

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

Hehe...for the record, KFC IS made out of mutant meat. #VeganPSA ;)

Christina Lee said...

Frankie,

I’ve got my fingers in my ears—lalalalala ;-)

salarsenッ said...

Too funny. Love the cat!

Heather Hellmann said...

Ewww! Is that true about glue on envelopes? I think I need to pay a visit to snopes.com. I may never lick an envelope again :)

Brittney said...

Hahahahaha soo funny!!! Hey i didnt know coke can clean a toilet... move over mr. clean!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Um, so does Diet Coke work well for cleaning toilets, too?

Nevermind. Wouldn't waste it on a toilet even if it did. ;)

Matthew Rush said...

Oh man, I remember when my step-mom told me not to go out to bars anymore because people were putting drugs in your drink and then you would wake up in a bath tub with your kidney's removed.

She heard this in a chain letter, way back when we were still on dial up and AOL. LOL.

Matthew Rush said...

Ooh, P.S. Did you ever see my Facebook Scam payback post? It's hilarious. You can find it here.

Maddy said...

Omg!! I've ehard of all of these and then some! The serial killer in the back seat of the car is one that has pretty much stayed with me, especially when I had a Jeep :)

Solvang Sherrie said...

Oh, man, seriously LMAO over here!! You crack me up!!

Meredith said...

Ugh, I so didn't want to know most of this. But I heard the thing about toilet spray and keep my toothbrush way out of the way of the toilet, too--so creepy!

JEM said...

Favoritest picture ever. I feel like that cat every day.

Christine Fonseca said...

hahahaha! LOVE IT!

Lourie said...

I love that one!! I must support Al Qaeda and others. I drink my toilet stain remover like it is going out of style! And to be so lucky to find $2.00 in the parking lot! hahahaha. I haven't had mutant freak chicken in sooo long. *sigh* AHhh the good life. :D

Kelly said...

HA! I do learn from some of these kinds of emails. But most just take with a grain of salt that I put on my KFC chicken that I eat with a glass of Coca Cola. :)

Amy said...

The Today Show also contributes to my paranoia... that's where I heard about the daily contamination of my toothbrush :(

Kelly Bryson said...

I think about the toothbrush one every time I flush, but I figure if it hasn't killed me yet...Great post:)

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Ha ha. Now I'm going to wash my toothbrush -- just in case. LOL.

Pamela said...

I cannot stop laughing. I used to read these darn chain emails but now, I just press delete. Too much anxiety stems from reading stuff like this!

Melissa said...

Haha, OMG, I can't stop laughing! I loved this.

blueviolet said...

omg, I won't lick an envelope either and I always wipe off my pop cans! I keep my toothbrush closed in the bathroom drawer. No poop particles are getting anywhere near that thing!

Carol Riggs said...

Hilarious post! I have heard most if not all of these before, which makes it funnier. I NEVER forward these things. I delete almost all forwards. Argggh, but I think I'll switch to a sponge instead of licking enveloped. I hadn't heard that particular version--what I had heard was cockroach eggs, which got into a woman's tongue when she cut herself licking an envelope. A lump started growing and when the dr took it out, they found a baby cockroach curled up in the lump. Euwwww!

SharleneT said...

What you don't want to know, Christie, is that a WRITER got paid to write these emails and is living in a mansion on a hill... my favorites are the teenaged nieces of foreign country treasurers who were given the country's money to hold in their Christmas Card club but need an American bank account number to transfer the funds... etc. ... you can delete this, if you want to...

Christina Lee said...

Sharlene- I get those all the time-- drives me bonkers!!